I have been setting here watching the cursor flash on my laptop for several minutes. Not sure where to begin my post. I haven’t posted in a while I have mostly been reading and commenting on some wonderful post. The truth is I haven’t been driving this truck for sometime so to speak. I have just been going through the motions as they say. On auto pilot I guess, not sure. Writing and not sure can be dangerous,or just a plain mess. I want to write something when I write that glorify’s God and blesses others while pointing them to God. I never had much faith in my writing skills as a matter of fact it is Carolyn that is the writer. I just want to minister to the hurting and lost. My reason for starting this blog was in obedience to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. So tonight I pray that I bless someone and point them toward’s Jesus.
It is said that when you lose someone to a death part of the grieving process is to talk about it. My idea was not to talk about it so much. That didn’t work out so well. I have to be obedient. So I trust in the Lord each time I talk about Kelly and write about her. I am not sure what would happen to me if I follow my mind and the thoughts that run through my mind most of the time. So instead I cast my fear’s and cares upon the Lord and he carries them for me I believe. I haven’t had thought’s about taking my life or anything like that. No, but I have made the statement at the first that I just didn’t want to live anymore. That comment was made out of trauma and heavy grief. I have seven grandchildren and four men to live for and siblings and a mother. That and I don’t think God is finished with me here yet it would appear.
I do hurt almost daily, it never seems to let up even when I laugh there is an overcast around me. Makes me feel like I am not sure where I am going or what will happen to me. A great sadness if you will. I think hey it was my job and duty to take care of my daughter. Kelly wasn’t married she was twenty-seven years old. I was still watching over her. I had asked her not to take the trip her back was hurting her and she had a hard shift when she got back to her position on staff at Teen Challenge of Oklahoma. Thinking back I am glad she went anyway she needed the rest and deserved the rest. You have to let them fly and make their own mistakes. Even if it hurts. I am not sure what Kelly’s life would have been like if she had lived through the accident or if she hadn’t went on the trip. I am not sure about a lot of things anymore.
There is fear in my daily life uncertainty and questions that cannot be answered. I am not sure what the weather is going to be like tomorrow or whether or not I will wake up in the morning. Even if I will lose another family member close to me. I cannot see ahead in my life. I do not know all the impact my life will have on others now or when I am gone from this old world. I can’t tell you for sure this cold I have will pass or not. I do not know what is going to happen in the next few seconds of my life. Some would say that my life is left to fate or the wind it just happens no order to it.
I will have to drain the water out of the fuel filter on my diesel truck or change it soon. I probably need a coat in the morning and some warm clothes. It is supposed to be thirteen degrees in the morning. I will take Carolyn to the Christmas show December the seventh and our usual date night on the weekends. I definitely am going to keep taking the Mucinex. I will pray when the Holy Spirit prompts me to or not. I will read God’s word faithfully. I will talk with the Lord. I will have a relationship with him. I will continue to be Christ centered to others even if some of them don’t deserve it. I will take care of our home. I will go to church and praise God and bless others there and in my daily journey.
You see my life is made up of faith and hope, preparation and set goals. Life is throwing me a curve right now and it is hurting does every day. It is amazing to me to see God’s hand in the life of others. It is validation, proof concrete evidence he is alive and delivering on his word. It stirs my heart and quickens my purpose. If you could see what God is doing in my life and the life of others right now through the death of Kelly you would shout with joy if you were a believer in Christ and be very curious and willing to explore the life lived for God if you are lost. Now I am not shouting at the loss of my dear daughter. The fact remains though death has no sting over her death and the grave has no victory and cannot hold her there. God is and will use her death to save souls and reach others you can be assured of this. I have witnessed it personally. God has drawn me closer to him. I might have fallen away if not for Kelly’s passing. Kelly might have fallen away had God not let her go on. The truth is I am not sure about everything in life. These things I am though. That God is using everything including Kelly’s death for his glory and purpose. Her death is not in vain. That is a loving God.
I just do not know for sure why God does what he does, or even how much of the doing is his alone. Think about Kelly. She is with God for eternity. Never to know pain again of any kind. Others will join her as I well one day. Many will come to know God because of her. A seed has been dropped and it will grow down deep and produce much fruit and bear many crops. (many will be saved because of her death.) I love Kelly so much. I love God even more though. I never would have willing given my daughter up for others. At least I am not sure if I would have. I know that God gave his son for me though willingly. God let him suffer through his life on earth and then die a horrible death on a cross for Kelly,me and you. Jesus did all this gladly. You see Kelly was never mine. I had her twenty-seven years. I am glad for those years with her. My life is richer and blessed even in the grief because of those years with her.
Cherish the years you have with your father mother wife husband daughter son. Do not put off today what you might wait to do tomorrow with them. Tell them you love them often. If you do not know my savior Jesus Christ contact me and I will be glad to visit with you about him. If you do know Jesus, draw closer to him and spend more time with him. I am not sure of the hour or second he will come or even if you will get to read this. I am sure though he is coming back to claim his bride .
(The folks that belong to him.)
So do not wait until it is too late, make sure where you will spend eternity. I have lived a hard life. I have made many mistakes in my life. God has forgiven them all. He loves me and you more than you can even understand. He has plans for you to give you peace and joy in your life, here on earth and in heaven with him. Do not wait give your life to Jesus now. Begin to live a life of freedom from the burden of sin on your life. I know your not sure. Well let me tell you,all you have to do is say these few words I am about to give you and Jesus will do the rest.
Jesus I give my life to you daily. Forgive me for my sins. I want to live my life for you Jesus. I believe in you.
Now if you said that prayer that is all you need to do. Jesus will work the rest out for you. Begin today to make a goal to turn from your old ways and take the journey down a better path with Jesus.
Be blessed much love Tom