There are times when I begin to write a post and don’t stop to think who might read the post. Oh have initially thought about it, and have at different times thought about who might read my post. I have really always made an effort not to just write something for the sake of posting something. I want God to speak to my readers and make a difference in their life’s. To give them hope and restore their souls. With that being said I would like to talk about whats on my heart tonight as I sat here in my easy chair.
It has been seventy some odd day’s since Kelly was struck and killed by a pickup truck, while on the way back from vacation in Galveston Texas with friends. I have heard folks say to me that Tom is doing good. You look good Tom. It’s amazing how well you are doing Tom. So on and so on.
I have my day’s. Most all of them are filled with pain,sorrow and a broken heart. My mind is never very far from the loss Carolyn and I and Kelly’s four brothers and our extended family has experienced. Tonight as I sat here a great sadness came over me. This has been coming on for about a week. I would pass one of many of Kelly’s photos and just miss her terribly. Kelly is always on my mind. Am I stuck in grief? I don’t believe I am. Just where God has me right now and I am ok with that.
Still I have pain,sadness,suffering and am brokenhearted. I smile on the outside and go on each day. Others pass around me and are oblivious or so it seems to my broken heart. I don’t believe that really. They either don’t know or don’t know what to say to you. Still it is another hurt and pain I endure with Jesus by my side.
Words hold a lot of power. They give life and give death. Tonight Carolyn sensed I was hurting more than usual. She came and sat with me on the ottoman at the foot of my easy chair, to comfort me and see what she could do. With great sob’s the dam of hurt broke and I began to cry. Since Kelly’s passing I have not spent a lot of time crying or in a place of outward despair. It is where God has had me. In a place of peace and Joy.
I am brokenhearted. I have heard this word used many times and in fact when my father passed and others passed, I was brokenhearted. However when I lost my daughter,only daughter. I experienced a different brokenness than I have ever felt before. I had some clarity to what a man or woman might feel that had just lost a family of children in an accident and they survived. I got a new respect for the word brokenness.
Almost weekly on my church prayer list I see broken hearts and folks that don’t know where they are going or what they will do. Their life as they have known it is gone,changed it would seem for the worse and they are afraid and feel neglected and abandoned and don’t Know what they are going to do now.
For me Kelly’s death moved me closer to God. Kelly’s death is moving her family closer to God her death will not be in vain. Others will be healed and restored and have hope through this terrible accident that has left me brokenhearted.
This renewing or new life that will be given through the loss of my only daughter will bring glory to God. Many will be saved and restored many will have eternal life, as Kelly has eternal life. She is with the Lord in heaven not broken or sad. She is an infinite Spirit with God. Here is my joy and my peace.
The world holds much sadness and hurt. I am not in control here on earth. Life will and can bring me heartache and pain. I can go from one physical or emotional moment to the next seeking Joy and will only find momentary happiness.
My mourning process is a learning experience for me. I am still learning and being given clarity for me to live by. This process will go on until I die or something takes me from this world. I will continue to live with the pain of losing Kelly. I will still have sadness and despair at times. These things will remain with me while I live.
I can have Joy though. I desire Joy more than happiness. I guess you could say my Joy brings me lasting happiness. This Joy I have is an attribute of God and is unfailing in the work of restoration and binding up the brokenhearted. Even in the middle of pain, sadness and brokenness. God’s Joy brings peace and restores and gives life to me and to untold others. There is power in words to give life or death.
God gives me life. I have a choice when life brings brokenness and hurt. Turn to momentary happiness or turn to everlasting Joy and strength that only Jesus can give. I have chosen Jesus as my Joy and strength . Will you make the choice in you’re hurting and pain. It might not be death that has come upon your life. It might be an addiction or a failing marriage or maybe you’re a pastor that is discouraged and ready to give up.
I want to pray with you tonight. God wants to bind up your brokenness and give it new life. God wants to restore your life. To change the course it is on, to one that will yield great Joy and strength to stand in the old world we live in for a time. Heavenly Father I ask you to please touch the hearts and minds of those that read this post that they would come to you Lord and seek guidance in whatever situation they are in. Lord that their hearts would be open to receive your mercy and restoration in their life’s. Lord place people in their life’s that will lead them to you, give them strength and wisdom to stand. Father reveal yourself to them that they would know your love for them. Amen
Much Love Tom